Christmas 2008

Well home for Christmas-the first time in 2 years. I won't say that it was a joyous day. No time with my children as mom in a rare turn of events stayed home this year. I did spent part of Christmas eve with the kids. Joey and I went to Giant so he could buy the dinner trimmings for Rhonda. Alexis gave me a present. The book "Buddha" by Chopra. It was the first real gift I have had for a time, and it was a very nice gesture by my wonderful children.

After having lunch with my sister, who was very sullen and always seems about to rage at me, I returned home. Actually Kelly did decide to have some people over. She invited me to watch "Its a wonderful life", her family tradition. Kelly is tense and sullen most of the time too. Tomorrow I am meeting a guy about a house in Pinetown, very close to the Chimney house, along Stony Run. It might be a good place to be for a time.

Yes, I do miss the island, my home and friends there-the frozen sea and the music, dancing with my Irish Mary, and the piles of snow. Well maybe not so much the snow. The weather here in the Lower Susquehanna valley is as I remember it. Mostly cold, gray, and damp. But markedly warmer than PEI. But yesterday, Christmas day was bright beautiful and warmish. My heart wasn't too warm. I feel a little displaced away from home, even being farther away from absent Shel. I do miss Mary.

So its a matter of settling here for a time and waiting to see what is the best course of action. About a week ago I asked the kids if they really want me to stay here at home in PA for a longer time. They were emotional, especially my daughter, and the answer was a fervent yes.

For a time I just thought it might not be the best place to be after the holidays, and I would push on to home to Arizona and try and re-enter that universe, sans a wife. Somehow Arizona without Shel seems like a void space. But that may change. I thought about a return to the island soon, but I just can't really face returning there in February-although I had arrived there to stay back in Feb 2006. That was a mild winter there. This past was not as the wind howled and there were 3 storms a week for months. Not flurries either. Rooftop blizzards.

So I am just waiting. If this house works out tomorrow I am just going to take it and wait for spring, seeing my kids and sister as best I can and they want too. It was the right decision. I need alone time to work on my writing. The block is slowly dissipating. In some ways I am still looking for the conclusion. As with my life with Rhonda, my life on the island has so many unresolved issues. I mean emotional ties that are weakened, but not entirely absent. Perhaps that is normal or a characteristic of my bizarre journey through life.

Time has passed swiftly here already. It is hard to believe After almost 3 years on the island, at first with lovely Shel, then alone but in our home, it has ended. I sometimes worry that the Yellow Breeches, my family, and my writing won't be sufficient to fill the voids. This "time heals all" is just a falsehood. But perhaps once more I can attempt to put together at least part of this broken home. Numerous previous attempts have failed due to money issues, jealousy and selfishness (on every bodies part, except the children). My audio recordings continue. My entries here go on sporadically. I even did a long hand entry is my regular diary, a journal Shel gave me sometime ago.

Kelly just stopped by and told me I could eat the steak that was in the fridge. She put an incense in my room and I guess she thinks I had the window open due to odor. In fact this is a very clean house, except for Shane's muddy paws. She seems to sleep all day, and clean all night. Maybe she wants me to hang around for a while. I will have to see how that goes.


The journey continues.

Warm Rain to Cool Blast

The cliche that time rushes past seems apt today. I was thinking of nearly flying along the highway in my corvette between Grover, Colorado and Carpenter, Wyoming. It was the fastest I had driven a four wheeled vehicle then. We hit about 135 MPH. My then young brother-in-law was with me. The low prairie hills seeming to rush up and into a clear sky, the other side uncertain. Up and down. The Vette's fiberglass body seeming to float as the sixth gear could pull no more speed with that gear ratio and horsepower. What a rush.

Now I prepare to leave my island home for an undetermined time-perhaps for always. That seems unlikely but I can't see over the hill as the wind rushes past beyond the now security of my little harbourside apartment. There is a woman here who loves me deeply. There is another lost to the world beyond my reach who I love eternally but in vain.

Shel has said she is coming to get her remaining things soon. I have given my notice to my patient landlord that I must head South with the flocks now ahead of me to see my teenage children and sister. Leaving the women behind, my new social group-as flawed as it is, as well as the ocean vista, is painful. I feel I could relapse anytime and await the winter blow and snow piles-The driving maritime ice storms and warm hearts.

But all illusions end this way. Passage into and out of this torrent of time is but for the memories taken as are the breaths of fading lilac-scented breezes and the hint of deep true long lasting joy and suffering. Life is about loss and how it is dealt with in the turmoil that is a human soul. Grounded in my loves and stories of past glory-that fleets and ebbs with my harbour tides.

But what an honest and beautiful effort that has been made. In no way do I regret my awfully early retirement and mission to the island. Now after all it is home. I dance with my Mary each weekend. She makes island fishcakes as lovingly as my mother baked bread or taught me to love what is real and natural. Somewhere along this road of years I became a romantic dreamer. Lost in that which is the finest to hold and the most painful to lose. But what a driven glory.

I know now the deep sadness and rural hardships that shape the lives of those who feel imprisoned in this paradise. In the telling of life journey to my friends here I see the blankness of longing-the unknowing as if the words and images of my life are so strange that they are sometimes unsure and afraid. I have learned the dialect. I have learned the food and the joy of an ocean harvest and the bounty of of a place that is an Eden. So my wife was right to fall so far and deeply in passionate embrace to this place in the sea.

In my own heart the wanderlust of a thousand journeys takes root again. The long path back to reality and another country to the rush and crowds that toil for that which I have lost or simply left behind as worthless trappings of a vacant life.

So times sweeps on with me as the unsettled passenger. As across the prairie grasses in that angry red chariot of my overfunded impious youth. Look forward and not to the rear says the driver. She has no need for the luscious safety of the past. Its soft security darkened as the red-mud surf of my beach at Green's Shore is during the unrelenting harsh January blow across the ice filled bay.

No time to waste now. Only to collect the fragments that remain of here and her, and her. I only hope at full throttle someone hasn't just pulled out ahead of me over the next rise. I won't be able to stop.

Labour Day 2008

So the end of summer finally on the island. Of course there will be a few more warm days. But in weeks the leaves will change and fall away. A bright red carpet of maple leaves will give way to perhaps again incredible snow piles and the driving winter winds-for 6 months. It sure makes me think of a return to Arizona at this time of year. Shel is off to Charlottetown soon to work in the "Best of PEI" store. She is very excited and will find a place to live there.

Her cottage will be closed in two weeks and she said she may move in here again for a time. That is fine, as I miss her company.
The kids are doing well. Alexis is looking for a part-time job now that she is 16, and Joey seems to be enjoying college.
My sister still wants to visit me here-but the two round trips seems daunting now, and she is hard to predict.

Joey wants me back for Christmas and to just move back to PA. This is now finally a real possibility at long last. It is clear, at least today. that Shel will not be coming home. I was amazed when she said she would be going with me to Calgary when I went back to work. When that didn't come through and Shel decided not to move back in here in Summerside I was pretty crushed. So these next two weeks will assist me in rendering a decision as to stay or go from the Island. It will be tough in any case and I may just decide one more winter here will be fine.

I have been fishing at the wharf almost everyday day. Its raining today and I was going to go but the truck is pretty moisture sensitive and i have to wait for drying weather now.
People have instructed me on Mackerel preparation and I have enjoyed the endless supply of fresh fish.

It is amazingly quiet today. I will probably take a walk in the rain down to the closest pier and take in the storm over the harbour. No matter what I will miss this place as home, but with waning Shel and a needy family, perhaps time along the Yellow Breeches is long over due.

Sunny day after 3 weeks of rain

Finally the sun appeared in Summerside today. I have been fishing for mackerel at the city pier. It was nice to sit out in the rain yesterday and fish. It reminded me of a cool spring day during Pennsylvania trout season on the Yellow Breeches long ago.

I had thought Shel would be moving back in after her job at Frenchy's in Borden ended in the fall. But she did get a job at the "Best of PEI" store in Char'Town starting September 8. She lost her purse and all of her ID during her move from Elayne Lord's place in Cape Traverse. I attempted to assist her in getting another drivers licence. but there are Arizona paperwork problems and I may have to take Shel to Halifax to resolve them.

Since nothing seems to be coming out of my Canadian job search, I am looking south again. I did enjoy my trip to Calgary and my short visit to Banff and Lake Louise. I am short listed on an Army job at the Red River Depot-but I am not sure about Texas.

In talking with the kids it may be time to bid goodbye to my place on PEI and go back to Pennsylvania. I know Joey would like that, and with no roommate again this winter, a long period of frozen ocean seems less appealing than ever.

It would be nice to go to Halifax with Shel. Maybe we can stop by our Port Dufferin house and share that moment one last time. I am sure the path will be shown to me, but it seems my time here with Shel is finally ending. It was my best effort in something I felt was most important for us both. Some battles cannot be won, no matter how true the intentions.

The weather looks good for a while now after 3 weeks of gloom and cool winds. The fish are in and the sun warm. If this is my last summer on the island, I want to make it as good as I can. The issues and realities of family down south are somewhat daunting after this idyll. But I have to do what is best now for Joey, Alexis, and my sister.

Rainy Saturday

Alexis in Harrisburg June 2008


I am sure it is time to place a new entry here. Although I do have my audio recording back, and as usual have stopped writing in my paper journals. It can be a bit discouraging, having tens of thousands of words to transcribe from old text-letters, journals, manuscripts unfinished and finished. I have felt that all the paper will become obsolete-or already has.

The only really permanents records will be left on-line, on sites such as this. So, as a painfully slow typist you see my dilemma!

I have had some good chats with the kids. Both really want to move in with me. But this is impractical as I am in Canada and they have school duties down south. My relationship with Shel remains strained. We were doing fine, but have degraded due to silly arguments and bad tempers over the past few weeks.

It seems my work future may be Alberta. The money is good and there are lots of things to clean-up and investigate. If nothing seems appropriate, it may be that with great sadness I may have to leave my island to be closer to the children, who now are really missing dad. The decision will be made quite soon I think.

Tourist season is in bloom here and its been quite warm The harbour water is now bathtub warm and although shallow makes for a nice swim only a short walk away. How does one leave such a place. Only family and money issues can do that. Otherwise it would be madness to leave here.

So pressures mount and decisions must be made. In the mean time I will try to continue writing, although in an awful slump now, and visit the beach. Life could be much worse than that.

June 18, 2008 Wednesday

Cool and drizzly today, with a little weak lightning. As last year, June is a cool gray month on the island of unused beaches.

I am actually feeling a bit guilty about not starting to write the entire tale of my holiday fishing and camping with my son. The project will require much more time and inspiration than I have right now. My trip notes survive, although sparser than I had hoped. A time in Appalachia, reliving my own youth. I mean the trip we took was a representation of my trips long ago, rod in trunk seeking fishing places and the colour of ruralia. We accomplished that. But the story begs far deeper for both of us in its revelations. The simplicity of the camp, stream, my old truck-camp food. Swimming the broad river, and fresh trout for a tailgate dinner in a remote place. It will wait a few days more to be told, as business looms.

I am flying to Vancouver Sunday to meet with a group that may need my skills in their enterprise. Two days in a new city, on a new harbour, far from this home. But yet not that unfamiliar, as my times in Seattle and San Francisco I suspect similar. We will see.

Talked with David at the Air force wing a long time tonight about the states and Canada. He is a retired teacher, and had many insights. We discussed the arcane "Aroostook" War. The conflict involving the Maine border long ago.

It was pizza day here, and I had many phone calls. It seems my draw into the world of commodity related environmental issues is where I am going. Well, its a new world. A lot of the problems I solved as a young man seem to be in good hands with the younger generation. I should be exuberant at the new chance-a new world, exotic places.

Still no word from Shel. I think she must be busy, or can't get on-line.

There is extra pizza for her here at home. I hope she comes back from the bush this week before my travels. In any case, I am prepared to send Vancouver postcard to Shel and my sister. The two lost souls in my life.

I did get an email from my son. He has a bass guitar now and he and a pal have started a band called "Rahal". It reminds me of my high school music career. Although short lived, it was fun. I also played the bass.

Close of Fishing with my son

It has been very hot on the mainland, far from my island home. We started out on our camping and fishing journey just after my son's high school graduation. I think it was a tough journey for him, but he is stolid. Here, at the econolodge in Mifflintown, along the Juniata of my youth, we conclude our journey. We started at Towanda and our traditional place of islands on the Terrytown side of the river. It was hot, we swam, cooked what we had. The fish were uncooperative with the heat. But we were greeted by every type of bug bird or Snake. Joey awoke one morning to report a giant black snake at the tent door. I explained black racers are harmless and he should be glad to meet the snake.

We decided after all to drive to Westline, and Kinzua Creek. Here we camped in an amazing thunderstorm in the Allegheny plateau, among ever increasing oil wells. But Thundershower run was clean and cold-we caught trout for dinner. I made a heart healthy meal of old bacon, butter sticks, potatoes, onions, and wild brook trout.

This morning after the rain, flocks of butterflies visited us. Mostly yellow swallowtails, but some others as well. It was very stirring.

Joey told me Homet's ferry carried some bad memories of his childhood. It was here, long ago, we played with the children in the river of my youth as the power struggle of the divorce raged. I was unaware of my now grown son's feelings.

We promised to find new places to camp and fish. Now my journey takes me back to work, at the request of my son. I am not sure where that will be. But college bills loom.

I am most anxious in any case to return to "my island". It will be nice to be cool again and see my sea.

Last day of May 2008 Prince Edward Island

It was a glorious day today. The bitter ever present winds were gone , with bright sunshine. I still continue with phone calls from headhunters and others seeking my lifetime of experience with the world and its troubles. The other day, I visited Shel at the Cape Traverse cottage. We had burgers on the grill-a real treat! It had been a while. We walked to the nearby red-cliff ed beach and almost held hands. It is a most lovely part of the world I will separate from in only a few days. We had seen a hummingbird at the cottage window. It was a brief glimpse of a gossamer buff and black spectre. Later, while painting a deck, Shel said the bird was back. It came to her, hovered, came close, and brushed her hand, giving goosebumps and a feeling of awe on the dew-soaked, pine scented red cliff beach. My mother told me once that if she returned to this world after death, she would be a hummingbird-one of nature's most amazing creations.

My profound feelings for this amazing young woman , my wife are moving, passionate, and truly sad. No two people could be closer. But in this unfair world, other pressures often drive our individual decisions, our Christian free will.
Ill say here what I wanted to write to her on one of our unique pink "hoggnotes", little note papers that are in the shape of a happy little hog. (We always spell the endearment with two G's).

I was thinking of one theory of creation. That the universe began as a tiny spot in a great unfathomable explosion in a time untold billions of years ago. Then it kept growing and the universal mind that is God made all this by organizing the chaos. Then, some say, at some time in a nearly infinite future, it will all collapse and return to a singular tiny dot. Then it begins again, an infinite cycle, I wanted to tell Shel that I would love her forever, until the universe recreated itself, and we would be together forever, as God intended.

But I thought that in reality, I need to say nothing. My mother said, before she died to me, that all we need to say we have said between us. I truly miss my mother, the finest person I have ever known. I will love Shel until the universe reinvents itself-forever.

Monday June 18 2007

I just found this third or "missing diary" of the three I have written here on PEI. It was in my brown business bag. Well not much written between then and now, but there are many audio recorded journals. I won't rehash the past. Today is a cool, breezy day. After a glorious "hot" sunny day yesterday. I went with Shel to her beach job at Chelton Beach. We argued like savages, but it was actually a good day. She works for Maggie of the "Steak Pit" here in Summerside, summers at the little canteen concession at the Chelton Beach Provincial Park. Its a cute job, as a college kids summer job. She makes hambergers and hot dogs, fries, chicken, ice cream, etc.

The beach is nice there and we made a deal I'll go with her a few times a week-not all the time so we don't get on each others nerves. I haven't been able to get the kids on the phone and no new email. Ill try again tomorrow.

Modern note:
The summer was really nice here on PEI in 2007. The times I went to volunteer at Chelton to cook at the canteen reminded me of jobs I had after high school. It was a lot of fun. We both got great tans, and had some quality time together. I had hoped to get back down south, but spent the whole summer on the island. Shel had just gotten back from Colorado, where she attended nephew Kelby Konig's high school graduation. She flew out of Manchester, NH and we had a nice but short little roadtrip back to the island. We ferried across Lake Champlain to Vermont and it was a lot like old times. I wish it could have been a longer trip, but Shel had to be back here for work.

Sunday May 25 2008

Well the weekend that started out cold and very damp turned into a spectacular spring day today on the island. I put on shorts and a tee shirt and walked around town. It was filled with the smells of the gardeners and fresh cut lawns, and a few new blossoms. The tulips are up and some decorate my living room. Shel spent a lot of time here yesterday, at some food and was then off to do here weekend errands. She is submitting her excellent "Cathy the Clown" story to a Tucson writing contest. It is wonderful story based on fact. Shel befriended a bathroom attendant at a hi-end restaurant we used to frequent in Scottsdale. The lady was poor but very sweet, and volunteered at a children's hospital. The story is based on Shel's conversations with that special lady. It sure seems a long time since we were together in Arizona. Shel's blog, http://writervita.blogspot.com shows many Arizona photos and stories. It is sad she has left me out of the tale, as she has to keep her family from knowing that we are still close friends. The old German farmer thing-you break-up and you can't remain close. In many ways, Shel and I are closer than when we were always together. She is part of my family and shall remain so.

Very quiet Sunday as always. I was reading the parable of the feeding of the 5000 in the book of John. I love that one, and knowing that God can do anything in this troubled world is a great comfort to me. I heard from my old fishing buddy, my lonely old friend Philip Benjamin in Towanda. He was off to help his friend Carol, who is 85, cut grass. He really wants me to move back that way to go fishing. I told him I had decided to return to work and may stay here in the Maritimes, or maybe try Phoenix again. It becomes an issue of money at this point, as Joey is now quite concerned about college funds.

My contacts in New Brunswick said I may be able to remain on the island and still do some work there for them. It would probably be best to be in the office there during the week, which is very doable. I don't know much about the Phoenix position, and am supposed to meet there in about 2 weeks. I am sure that the correct choice will show itself. I really don't like the idea of permanently leaving the island, but that may change. Shel has been sweet, helpful, and very nice about the whole issue.

I would have loved to have made this a beach day, but its pretty chilly by the water. I spent some time in the little military memorial park by the house, in the warm sun. Kids were skipping stones bored at the little pond there. The pond needs some goldfish, which I may donate. I can hear the spring peepers in the evening here, in town. That sound is deeply stirring to me, with memories of springs long past. I often think that the sounds of the peepers, frogs, toads were the sound of spring long before there were any birds on this planet.

So a simple dinner tonight and I have some reading to catch up on, and there is usually a movie on Sunday evenings. It has gotten tough to find one here I haven't yet seen. They seem to repeat them. Erin Brockovich is on again. I did show that film to my environmental class at Gateway College. I really enjoyed teaching, and may return to it someday. I had a dream of creating a practical 2 year environmental degree in technology. That way, students could obtain real field skills and be certified to work in the industry with a two year degree. Maybe I can pursue that at some point.

Missing the kids, and as the time approaches to head home, I am thoughtful.