My Favourite Month

Well not really. I haven't written this month here, but I have made audio recordings and a long-hand old style journal entry. Life goes on here in Juniata County. I feel as distant from Harrisburg as I did on the island as the kids are still hard to reach. My working roommates come and go at all hours, but are generally well mannered and respectful. We had one disagreement and I really do think one of them was trying to force me out, in that I have a nice furnished two rooms, good heat, my computer and a big cable TV.

I may be wrong. In any case the landlords young son Simon, 11, is now staying with us. He wanted to get away from his mother in Kentucky. Jason asked if I would help him with his homework. Well its beyond that, I make him breakfast and see him off to school and take him fishing and feed him when he gets home. His father works long hours for the railroad and told me he has little patience.

Some of Simon's friends already refer to me as the "nanny", in an odd twist of fate. But it gives me something to do. Mary says I am being abused. She has a problem that I see now-she has never been loved and sees human caring and protectiveness as some kind of weakness. Unless it is towards her of course. I think she is too cold and too demanding for me. Talk about the classic "Guilt Trip", to coin a phrase. I told her that I am a free spirit and that go where I please. She says that I can't. Don't tell me "can't".

The other reason that I haven't written is that my old PEI computer died. I bought this laptop on Ebay. Most all of my work and images are on line so I didn't lose much.

The good news today was that I heard from Shel. I had wrongly threatened to turn her into the RCMP for what is really a non-issue. I was very upset after an ice-cold email she sent that was just too much. I told her today that I am just glad that she is safe and happy and that I will leave her be. The awful part of it is that if she needed me, I would probably leave right now. Probably. After all she is still my family and shall remain so, I hope that over time we can at least establish a correspondence-that would be wonderful.

That all means that when I crossed the bridge into New Brunswick on December 3rd, that world and really a 20 year cycle came to an end. I have been amazed for all of my internet presence and writings, how few people I hear from, really hundreds whose lives I were in have simply vanished.

I have a few new DVD's I bought-one is the "Edge" with Anthony Hopkin's. The film is very hard for me to watch.

So I wait to decide my next life or Port 'O Call. We'll see as the winter wains and maybe my heart gladdens in a new horizon, always warmed by the fondest of memories-being truly in love. Maybe I will be myself again. Its been 5 years. Some may say longer.

Crisp Night of the Full Moon

It has been almost two weeks since my last entry. I have continued my audio logs. The march of fall progresses as now we have the first frosts, red maple trees, and can see our breath. Not a whole lot of news from Shel. She is still looking for a place in our "big" city and says she will have her stuff out around November 1. I have missed her greatly but my girl is lost in her own fantasies-some about how truly awful I am and others about how truly wonderful she is.

I am still planning on leaving the island at some point. The details are a bit difficult as there is really no way to select a home on the other end-I really need to go there and look around. This will mean some time in a motel. I just hope I do really get some time with the kids or I might just as well stay put here.

At least the Canadian dollar has crashed along with the US stock market. This adds a few dollars to my pension on this end-actually discounting my rent by about 40% should the loonie stay down until the end of the month.

I spent a lot of time with my lady friend Mary this weekend. It is nice to be pampered by a lady again. She is a good cook and very spiritual and feminine. We went up to North Cape today to see the wind farm. She, born and raised on the island, had never been there. Its 60 miles from Summerside.

She has never been in a plane. She has been off island twice in 50 years. The tragedy of her island life-especially her childhood and marriage is a horror. But it is all too common a tale when individual lives here in the Maritimes are examined. There is pain and human suffering beside the red cliffs and pastoral beauty of the planted fields.

I really am not sure what will come of it. All I know is this chapter closes. Shel fades to a tragic memory, among the joyous glimpses of our storybook romance and marriage. The travels. The foods. The love-making. Her beauty. Washed away in a sea of red clay tears on a foreign beach-sunk deep into the red mud of the old clay roads.

Mary to give me solace in her maturity and simplicity. Mary to be hurt when I leave the island as she and a few others are quite in love with me. The enigmatic Yankee. A romantic warrior tossed on a exile shore.

Crazy Germaine is back. I have been gone all weekend. Jerry let him in. Its OK-but he can't stay here forever without paying rent. He rather takes over the living room and smokes in there. His English is so bad its hard to communicate. Hopefully he will make some fertilizer, sell it, and go back to the Magdalen Islands. Somehow I doubt it will all be that easy.

I had invited Shel over Sunday as I had some oysters and quahogs left over that Manny Gallant gave me. I never heard anything and continue to get cold, unfriendly mails. She claims to be coming over to organize this week. I am not sure why. So I asked her to give me a little warning. There is no way that she doesn't miss her life. She thinks she has improved, reinvented herself. She is now just another young girl with nothing, working a minimum wage job, uneducated, with a hollow future. It is a far cry from Arizona palm trees and a pool , no responsibility and no cares.

She will miss that as the years swiftly pass. I can reinvent all that rather easily. But there will be no Shel. Actually now I am unsure that we will remain the promised friends we agreed to be. It is really tough to lose a loved one. Death is an eye opening. I still miss my dad after 36 years. My mother, my rock and guide gone now just over 4 years. My beloved wife, gone on lies and tragedy now almost 5 years. But my best friend-alive and unrepentant, still breathes an easy breath while the tears of our souls rain on the lost hollows of the broken heart.

But I will still make the effort. I will email her with news of the travels. She shall be a central character in the novel. I hope she gives me an address so I can send her magnets and postcards. Perhaps she doesn't care. Never really did. Now I know why Germany lost a war they should have won. No quarter. No forgiveness. The savagery of the Hun. Blue eyes flashing, Blond curling. Blood flowing. Defeated.

Sunday May 25 2008

Well the weekend that started out cold and very damp turned into a spectacular spring day today on the island. I put on shorts and a tee shirt and walked around town. It was filled with the smells of the gardeners and fresh cut lawns, and a few new blossoms. The tulips are up and some decorate my living room. Shel spent a lot of time here yesterday, at some food and was then off to do here weekend errands. She is submitting her excellent "Cathy the Clown" story to a Tucson writing contest. It is wonderful story based on fact. Shel befriended a bathroom attendant at a hi-end restaurant we used to frequent in Scottsdale. The lady was poor but very sweet, and volunteered at a children's hospital. The story is based on Shel's conversations with that special lady. It sure seems a long time since we were together in Arizona. Shel's blog, http://writervita.blogspot.com shows many Arizona photos and stories. It is sad she has left me out of the tale, as she has to keep her family from knowing that we are still close friends. The old German farmer thing-you break-up and you can't remain close. In many ways, Shel and I are closer than when we were always together. She is part of my family and shall remain so.

Very quiet Sunday as always. I was reading the parable of the feeding of the 5000 in the book of John. I love that one, and knowing that God can do anything in this troubled world is a great comfort to me. I heard from my old fishing buddy, my lonely old friend Philip Benjamin in Towanda. He was off to help his friend Carol, who is 85, cut grass. He really wants me to move back that way to go fishing. I told him I had decided to return to work and may stay here in the Maritimes, or maybe try Phoenix again. It becomes an issue of money at this point, as Joey is now quite concerned about college funds.

My contacts in New Brunswick said I may be able to remain on the island and still do some work there for them. It would probably be best to be in the office there during the week, which is very doable. I don't know much about the Phoenix position, and am supposed to meet there in about 2 weeks. I am sure that the correct choice will show itself. I really don't like the idea of permanently leaving the island, but that may change. Shel has been sweet, helpful, and very nice about the whole issue.

I would have loved to have made this a beach day, but its pretty chilly by the water. I spent some time in the little military memorial park by the house, in the warm sun. Kids were skipping stones bored at the little pond there. The pond needs some goldfish, which I may donate. I can hear the spring peepers in the evening here, in town. That sound is deeply stirring to me, with memories of springs long past. I often think that the sounds of the peepers, frogs, toads were the sound of spring long before there were any birds on this planet.

So a simple dinner tonight and I have some reading to catch up on, and there is usually a movie on Sunday evenings. It has gotten tough to find one here I haven't yet seen. They seem to repeat them. Erin Brockovich is on again. I did show that film to my environmental class at Gateway College. I really enjoyed teaching, and may return to it someday. I had a dream of creating a practical 2 year environmental degree in technology. That way, students could obtain real field skills and be certified to work in the industry with a two year degree. Maybe I can pursue that at some point.

Missing the kids, and as the time approaches to head home, I am thoughtful.

Friday, May 18, 1979 New Britain, Pennsylvania

11:40 PM

Rotten today, just in time for the weekend. I knew it! School was fine. I am working with the staff of the Paley library to find a book for Aprille. In the evening, we went to the store. I got a pair of sneakers in Woolco. We watched TV later. The "Mod Squad" was reunited on the glistening screen. I don't like wet weekends!